Mama, Where Are You Going?
GRIEF: Finding strength in love
Life is difficult almost all the time and uncertainty is sure to follow. You can read all sorts of self-help books and literature about how to get through the pain of losing a loved one, but the truth is; it still hurts. We may not agree on religion, finances, discipline, nature, marriage, food choices, or politics, but the one thing that people in most societies can agree on is the order in which things should be. For example, a Catholic Republican and a Liberal Southern Baptist man with families would both agree that they are supposed to leave this earth in their fleshly form before their child(ren) does. Both men would agree on the order of children should bury their parents and not parents bury their children.
But what happens when the order of everyone’s expectations is reversed or changed? The thought of losing one of my boys is unthinkable, but the reality is life is difficult and nothing is guaranteed to us. All we can do is pray and teach our children how to be positive and productive socially appropriate citizens in this land of the free. What do we do when it seems like our prayers are not answered? Do we give up on what we know to be true and become angry and bitter? Do we lose the love we had for that loved one and allow our hearts to turn against the people who try to help us through this trying time? Or do we become distant and shy away from conversation and social activities? Or do we hold on and allow the love we had for our loved one to spread to others allowing for a more loving society?
In pain, we tend to turn away from everything and everyone who is trying to get close to us to help ease the hurt. Blame begins to creep in and pushes healing out of the equation. The healing process is no longer possible because blame has nested in our hearts of grief. Parents blame each other for the death of a child and siblings blame each other for the others not being present in the parents' lives enough. Blame and guilt creep in and tell us that love doesn’t exist anymore, so why even try? It is at that moment the true battle begins. It is at that moment that you realize that the love you have for your loved one isn’t dead and can not be buried with them but is the light that will get you through your next difficult days.
Even though we understand that death is a part of life, we still ask “Where are you going”. Why are you leaving me? When the real question should be, how can I show the world how much I love you? It wasn’t until recently when I lost my mother on Christmas day that I realized how blessed my sisters and I were to have a mother like Betty. People we didn’t even know called us telling us stories of how our mama was the only person who didn’t abandon them during a challenging situation. How when they didn’t have any food, she gave them groceries out of her pantry and then when she got paid, gave them what she could. It took me to hear someone else talk about how they didn’t feel loved by their mother and grandmother and spent Christmas alone for me to realize that we were both grieving, but I am so much more blessed. I began to feel my mother's love lift me up in confidence, giving me the strength, I needed and to stand on the love that she had for everyone. Not just for me, but for everyone that knew her in life.
When my mother suffered her stroke on Christmas Eve (my sister's birthday) and was rushed to the hospital we felt so lost. When I saw my mother look at me in the ICU room, I asked her “Mama where are you going?” She couldn’t respond because the stroke was so massive that the part of her brain that controls her speech was dead, but if she could have, her words would have been, “Honey, I’m sorry, but it’s time for me to sleep.” And I would have asked again, “Mama where are you going?” And she would have said gently, “Words can’t express how proud I am of you and how much I love you, but it's time for me to rest.” Because she was not answering my question, I would have asked again, “But Mama where are you going?” And she would have finally said, “To my eternal home, a place where there is no more sadness, a place where there is no more pain, and a place that is not time for you to see yet, but I will be looking for you when your hour draws near.” Then I would have finally said to her, “I will spread your love around this earth until we meet again.”
During this difficult and unfair thing we call life, we must find strength in love and push through. We must push through depression, anxiety, guilt, and anger to keep the love we shared with those we love and have passed on. We didn’t doubt ourselves before this unbearable tragedy, so we shouldn’t doubt ourselves afterward. Allow the hurt to heal through love in everything you do from that moment on, and the strength will find you. Allow words like compassion to creep into your mind instead of anger. Allow grace to enter your heart instead of hate. Allow light to enter your soul instead of darkness. Will this take the pain away, probably not, but it will make your days more joyous and bearable versus being smothered by sadness.
Author: Mrs. Serena H. Thompson, MAMFT
Guided Pathways, LLC
Master-level Therapist
